one woman show

In the classroom, I consistently guide my senior students to harness moments of self-discovery, inspiration, and creativity. As their teacher, nothing beats the surge of passion and excitement that ensue after witnessing their nods of intrigue and smug grins interlaced with enlightenment. But when the rush subsides, I gain consciousness in a vacuum, with no ground to place my feet and no walls to separate the vast and empty space. It just feels like a movie set — the whiteboard, the doodle-stained desks, the crumpled post-it reminders, the stacks of papers awaiting their trial. Suddenly I am an actor in a television series, just having passed the test of the pilot season and settling into the long narrative that’s just begun. I play the part really well, or so I am told. It feels like I’ve mastered the art of method acting, but I have pulsating flashbacks, shots in stop motion, to a time where I would sit down to write this very plot I’ve somehow been thrust into enacting. I don’t remember agreeing to a film adaptation. The delivery of lines, the hair and makeup, countless takes of a single scene — no director in sight, but I mechanically follow the cues. When I exhale, I return to the place that, just moments ago, had existed in my memory. I am back to being the writer, punctuating the story of my inner world. There is not enough detachment, but a complete lack of connection. I can’t recall the cradling sensation of retreating to my own space, my own world, my own self. Even now, my primary concern reeks of unsettling doubt — whether this state of dissociation is a symptom of defective pedagogy veiled under above and beyond’s into soundless space — a breach of morals, a trampled promise, and an act of fraud. I know what comes next. I will exhaust this rare moment of consciousness and clarity searching for answers, interrogating the alter ego that can’t speak through a vacuum, and plunder my inner landscape, a wasteland in these moments, for evidence to achieve a conviction. Yes, this truly is a one woman show, and I am SALTY that I haven’t won an Oscar for it.